I wish I could see words.
Loose words, I could see them lilting about on the floors of vacated businesses, in the ghostly trenches of those who came before.
Most words are the same. One person speaks them, another re-arranges them and speaks them again. The meanings change little.
I want to see the different words, and sometimes I think I do. I see the rare ones, the words shaped to your contours, to your earthly matter, words in the shape of your shoulder, your forehead, your fingers.
I just woke up and wanted to write that down before I forgot. I saw words in the shape of a nuanced tone of voice, detritus abandoned on the floor of an emptied computer store. Were they words or was it an object? I don’t know but I see these things in dreams and in reality.
Fletter.
Mungle.
Drop-shorn.
Valotow.
Cropeeth.
My mind is a haze. My eyes are hazy. White cast surrounds everything. I took a DMV eye exam last week, for to renew the drivers license, and I was nervous about it, fearing I might miss a letter. Focus, in fact, is fine. I could read the eye chart from 20 feet away, standing on the sidewalk outside the DMV office. I have always been a nervous sort, given to frivolous worries — in a roundabout way it explains why I value obscurity and imagine myself to be invisible — but as I age I find myself both increasingly aware of but unable to control some things. Nervousness. Anxiety. Panics and breathing problems. Some say worry is a waste of time but I welcome my senseless unease. Who wants to be placid, anyway?
The connection between my dreams usually rots quickly, and I give up trying to fully capture how they feel. Dreams consist of the same matter we use all the time, the same currency of words, images, and memories, but here they mercurially waddle through a state of weakened structure, half-blossomed puzzles made of pieces that never fit. Consciousness itself will become cheap. All its obscure machinations will be revealed, memory made searchable, mysteries vanquished, human immortality stored on a 256k flash drive.
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