Jeez, I gotta start reading my mail. Idunno what that means. Although it reminds me of a time I was taking a crap at Center Street Station in Philadelphia. I had waited many, many minutes before there was an open toilet, but a few seconds after I shut the door to the stall a bad-ass sounding black guy started yelling "GOD DAMN, I HAVE GOT TO TAKE A SHIT RIGHT NOW AND I AM GONNA KICK SOME WHITEBOY AAAAAAAASSSS IF I HAVE TO WAIT!"

All I remember was the sound of 7 or 8 people frantically unravelling toilet paper. The sound was so vivid I could almost see the hands of all these guys urgently batting and yanking at the tissue.

I used to laugh whenever I told that story, but I don't any more. It is just there.

My friend Chad came up to me at work the other day and out of nowhere just started saying "Why do we still live here in this repulsive town? All our friends are in New York. Why do we keep shrieking, when we mean soft things?" Then he kind of drew a blank, allowing me the chance to ask him what he was talking about.

He was, of course, quoting a song by a band called Magnetic Fields. And the song is called 100,000 Fireflies, and at this particular moment of my life it is hard to think of a funnier question than "Why do I live in this repulsive town? All my friends are in New York."

I mean, Atlanta is not "repulsive" to me. But the song sounds pretty funny.

Was just thinking of this speech a friend gave me once in high school. He was talking about a time he got pulled over by a cop somewhere in Georgia, and what happened was the cop said "Approxi-met-ly 12 minutes ago I saw your vehicle in my rear-view mirror. I accelerated to a speed of 120 miles per hour for a period of exactly 3 minutes. After exactly 7 minutes your vehicle again appeared in my rear-view mirror. Now, sir, based upon my calculation, you were averaging a speed of approximately 79 miles per hour, and are hereby issued a SIIIIItation in the amount of three-hundred-eighty dollars and 48 cents."

And the speech I got (from a friend named Jim) was all about "How the hell am I supposed to argue with that? What can I possibly say to that guy?"

And Jim was really upset, and we were in the school cafeteria eating corn dogs and talking trash, and his words reached unusual heights of rhetoric there that day. I swear his words lay prostrate on the table, lamely running around to feed us all but not getting picked up by one of us.

The math, however, escapes me right about now. It is a high-schooler's logic problem, these mathematics of catching speeders.

A few weeks ago I was stung by the memory of a woman friend from college. She was never a girlfriend, but she was never just a friend. There was always this sexual thing going on, and one afternoon I sat in a chair opposite her as she sat on her bed and rummaged through a bag, and in an instant I saw her there and felt all the pain that was to come, all the pain that we would never get around to inflicting on each other, and all the frustration and wasted time that only began with that day.

It never ended, either.

But why should you listen to me tonight? I am full of beer, and my teeth chatter from the air conditioner rolling over my head. The coming weeks are going to be rife with irritation and wasted money. Sure, I am moving back to New York, and this is an altogether good thing, but it won't be easy to squeeze my life into those corporate rigors by which certain parts of me live, and against which other parts of me get disgusted.

At 5:00 a.m. yesterday morning there was a fire alarm in this building. A repetitive buzzer, and a recorded male voice saying "THERE HAS BEEN A FIRE REPORTED ON YOUR FLOOR. PLEASE USE THE STAIRS AND PROCEED TO THE LOBBY TO AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS." Over and over and over.

I thought it funny the way he emphasized the words "YOUR FLOOR," as if we'd won a lottery. I've always wanted to be the voice for something like that. A fire alarm, or a voicemail system.

There was no fire, apparently. I marched down the stairs thinking absolutely nothing. Can still see the steps spiralling down beneath me. Got to the lobby and saw that most people had simply taken the elevator. Damn but people are ugly at that hour of the day.