2:43 am, March 23, 1996
i'm just gonna type real fast. i'm standing
up. waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in
tonight. strung out and wired as hell this
week, lot of jumbly crap on my mind, big
things little things, the plot of life has
thickened. dese is excitin' times, i guess.
too bad i'm so stressed that i can't really
make the clearest decisions for myself. but
all things will pass, and i'll be a victim yet
again of another perhaps hastily made
decision or two.
can anyone really say that the decisions
they make in life, and the consequences
which follow, are the only way they ever
intended for life to go? i doubt it. did the
package engineer always want to grow up
and be a package engineer?
did the 3rd bassoonist of the major
symphony orchestra always want to grow
up and wait to play on cadences throughout
the golden years of their life? did anyone
ever have the idea they would be where
they are now?
i never did. i can't believe i'm here even as i
type these words. the sounds of the typing
seem impossible, the fact that there's a
desk here and a tv and a piano, it all seems
impossible.
but you know, i was walking home the
other night. on 3rd avenue and 68th street a
guy was eating pizza out of a trash can.
someone had taken a box of pizza and
thrown it away. i thought to myself "i could
do that." if i had to, i would, and it would
not be the end of the world. i think the
feeling of myself pillaging trash cans
would be not dissimilar to how it feels to
write these words and think about the
things i'm thinking about. the mind is
always going, and it's always the same
thing. even at the most hysterical, most
suicidal moments of life, the personality is
always intact, and the brain is always
thinking the same way, thinking "hey, that
car's gonna hit me," "hey, that cab shoulda
stopped for that old lady," "hey, i need a
shave" as you step from the cliff or tuck
your self away in the garage.
good-night, new york.
2:00 pm
sometimes i wake up in the morning, or in
the afternoon as is the case right now, and
imagine what would happen if there had
been a celebrity homicide outside my
apartment. things happen, and i wonder
what i'd say in a court of law should i be
interrogated about the matter.
How many shirts did you try on this morning?
Five or six.
Why not just one?
I couldn't decide.
Is there some problem with your selection of shirts...
No.
...that you can't choose one over another?
(silence)
Need I remind you that you are under oath?
I just couldn't decide which one to wear.
When you stepped into the shower, what happened?
The sun went behind a cloud.
How were you able to tell?
It got dark.
In the bathroom?
Yes.
Am I to assume that you are able to discern
the progress of cloud movements from inside your shower?
It's by the window. It gets dark
in there just like anywhere else.
How often do you cut your fingernails?
Once a week?
HOW OFTEN??
ONCE A WEEK!
How long has it been since you cut your fingernails?
Maybe 2 weeks.
Why so long?
I couldn't find the nailclippers.
Where, prey tell, do you think they were?
On the desk somewhere.
In the desk drawer?
Maybe.
You know, it's a bad idea to keep old condoms around.
I know.
But you keep them around anyway?
No. Those are empty boxes.
Empty condom boxes? What are you?
Some kind of sex machine?
(laughter fills the courtroom)
At 8:08 a.m. you put your jacket on. Why?
Because it was cold out.
At 8:09 a.m. you opened the refrigerator.
I did.
Are you ever going to eat what is in
that container of yogurt?
I'll eat it now.
How could anyone eat plain yogurt?
(Eating yogurt)
Suits me fine.
The court thinks plain yogurt is disgusting.
I don't fucking care.
OBJECTION!
Judge: Mr. Thomas, need I remind you that
this world is too perfect a place to be violated
by your foul-mouthed obscenities?
(The courtroom observers are confused and nauseous,
having never been exposed to the fuck word.
An elderly man vomits.)
You ate yogurt this morning while wearing your jacket?
Sure.
(Snickers)
What the fu...
That umbrella on the floor, you've tripped over it
quite a number of times, haven't you?
Yes.
Why don't you pick it up?
I don't...
Why don't you just take the umbrella, and prop it up near the door?
I don't...
When you moved in to this apartment,
didn't you decide that that area by the front door
would be the "Designated Umbrella Area?"
I may have said that.
"Said" it?
I thought it.
You said you "may have said that."
I doubt if i actually said those words outloud.
No? And why would you not have said those words outloud?
There would have been no one to say it to.
So when the sun went behind the cloud, what happened?
It got dark.
I have no further questions.
