February 18, 1996

18 February, 1996 4:51:03 PM
So last night the phone rings and I pick it up. The connection is really noisy, and I thought someone was calling me from a payphone.

It was about 3:30 in the morning, and the caller's voice sounded a lot like the voice of someone I know. It sounded so much like her voice, in fact, that I almost said "Suzanne?" (not the real name of the person I thought was calling).

So when I picked up the phone it's this woman screaming:

"I'm so FOCKED up. So focked up. I just left his house, he was FOCKING WONDERFUL!"

Still thinking this was "Suzanne," I listened to her rambling for several moments, thinking "Oh no, man, she sounds really fucked up." Like acid or something. She sounded completely on the outside.

I spent several moments saying "uh-huh" and "oh," trying to decipher what on earth she was talking about. Failing that, and realizing that this was not anyone I knew (and that she thought I was somebody else), I hit the record button on my answering machine and taped the remainder of the conversation.

This afternoon, I listened back to the tape (not really believing that this conversation had happened, and thinking instead that it had been a dream), and converted it into a RealAudio file, which you can listen to by clicking here.

Having not recorded the first 20-30 seconds of the call, my only regret is that I didn't catch the very first moment of the call, when I picked up the phone to hear a delerious woman screaming hysterically.

Other than that, nothing occurred in the first half of the call which did not re-occur in this recorded part of the conversation, so I'm satisfied that the experience is here satisfactorily captured.

Mysterious caller Me

... (unintelligible) was five-hundred by the time I got there. Whatever he said.

He only gave you $100?

Yeah, he said that he did not have any cash on him.

But you had a good time?

Of course, what I shoulda said here is "Baby, I gotta break that guy's legs."

Oh, man, he's wonderful. But he's FOCKIN' MARRIED!

Oh, that's too bad.

So what did you go tonight?

I stayed home.

This is untrue. I was at the Brooklyn Philharmonic last night. but I didn't think she'd be interested.

I thought you were going out.

I changed my mind.

I am focked up. I am driving home...

You're at home now?

No, I am not home yet. I'm driving.

Oh.

I just left his home.

Oh, you had a good time, though.

He's a wonderful.

(laugh)

I had a great time with him.

I'm really happy.

I know you are.

(laugh)

Here's where I start thinking I'm in this too deep

Wait, let me put the, lemme connect to my, my (unintelligible), uh, hold on.

(silence)
FOCK ME!!
HURRY UP! WAIT!

Hey. You still there?

Yeah.

I have to connect to the (unintelligible), the radio didn't have power, you know.

Oh, uh-huh.

Uh, so anyway, I'm so FOCKED up.

(laugh) Well, I gotta go to sleep.

I know. But I have to go home.

Well have a good trip home.

I know, but wait. Let me ask you this. What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything. I don't know what you, I don't even know who you are. I don't know what, what this is about. You dialed the wrong number. I...

Ida...

I've been going along with this, but idunno

Wait a minute, you are Ida, right?

No!

You are (unintelligible)'s friend.

What?

Wait a minute, what is your name? Ida?

No, my name's not Ida.

I thought Ida was a woman's name. I don't have a woman's voice, do I?

I'M SORRY!

What's your name? I don't know what's going on here. I thought, I thought you were somebody I knew playing a joke on me. I don't know, I'm just going along with this. I, Idunno what to tell ya'. Hello?

Mysterious caller	Me
... (unintelligible) was five-hundred by the time I got there. Whatever he said.	He only gave you $100?
Yeah, he said that he did not have any cash on him.	But you had a good time?	Of course, what I shoulda said here is "Baby, I gotta break that guy's legs."
Oh, man, he's wonderful. But he's FOCKIN' MARRIED!	Oh, that's too bad.
So what did you go tonight?	I stayed home.	This is untrue. I was at the Brooklyn Philharmonic last night. but I didn't think she'd be interested.
I thought you were going out.	I changed my mind.
I am focked up. I am driving home...	You're at home now?
No, I am not home yet. I'm driving.	Oh.
I just left his home.	Oh, you had a good time, though.
He's a wonderful.	(laugh)
I had a great time with him.	I'm really happy.
I know you are.	(laugh)	Here's where I start thinking I'm in this too deep
Wait, let me put the, lemme connect to my, my (unintelligible), uh, hold on.
(silence) FOCK ME!! HURRY UP! WAIT!
Hey. You still there?	Yeah.
I have to connect to the (unintelligible), the radio didn't have power, you know.	Oh, uh-huh.
Uh, so anyway, I'm so FOCKED up.	(laugh) Well, I gotta go to sleep.
I know. But I have to go home.	Well have a good trip home.
I know, but wait. Let me ask you this. What did you tell him?	I didn't tell him anything. I don't know what you, I don't even know who you are. I don't know what, what this is about. You dialed the wrong number. I...
Ida...	I've been going along with this, but idunno
Wait a minute, you are Ida, right?	No!
You are (unintelligible)'s friend.	What?
Wait a minute, what is your name? Ida?	No, my name's not Ida.	I thought Ida was a woman's name. I don't have a woman's voice, do I?
I'M SORRY!	What's your name? I don't know what's going on here. I thought, I thought you were somebody I knew playing a joke on me. I don't know, I'm just going along with this. I, Idunno what to tell ya'. Hello?