I just got home from seeing Elizabeth Wurtzel speak at Limbo, a poetry/coffee place on Avenue A. She spoke about "growing up depressed in America," and read several selections from her book "Prozac Nation." She said was writing a new book about "impossible women" who make life miserable for those around them. From my brief altercation with her this evening, I'd say she's the perfect person to "write the book" about that subject. *

I'm going to an event on Saturday to commemorate the life and work of Allan Bridge, aka "Mr. Apology." I will probably make a speech, and see for the first time in print an essay I wrote about The Apology Project. I think I'll post it right now, in case I forget to do it later.

MY NAME IS MARK THOMAS. ANYONE WHO CALLED THE LINE FROM MID 1991 THROUGH EARLY 1993 MAY HAVE KNOWN ME AS SOMEONE ELSE. I WENT BY THE HANDLE OF "THE PASTE-UP MAN." AND FOR SEVERAL MONTHS IN 1992 I ALSO WAS KNOWN AS "MR. APOSTLE." IT'S CONSIDERABLY LESS LIKELY THAT VERY MANY OF YOU REMEMBER A "MR. APOSTLE," SO BY WAY OF BRIEF INTRODUCTION, I WILL SIMPLY SAY THAT IT WAS I WHO COLLABORATED WITH ALLAN OVER THE COURSE OF SEVERAL MONTHS TO CREATE "APOLOGY MAGAZINE."

DURING 1992, WHEN ALLAN (OR MR. APOLOGY AS I THEN KNEW HIM) SPOKE AT GREAT LENGTH ON THE LINE ABOUT THE VERY IMMINENT CLOSURE OF THE APOLOGY PROJECT, IT WAS I WHO WROTE A LETTER TO APOLOGY OFFERING MY HELP IN DOING SOMETHING TO HELP BRING THE PROJECT TO A BIGGER AUDIENCE, TO A NEW AUDIENCE, AND TO HELP ESTABLISH APOLOGY AS SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST A PHONE CALL.

WHEN I WROTE THAT LETTER AND INTRODUCED MYSELF, I HAD NO IDEA THAT HE WOULD EVEN ANSWER ME, MUCH LESS THAT I WOULD MEET THIS MYSTERIOUS PERSON AND THAT WE WOULD PRODUCE A MAGAZINE. I ONLY KNEW WHEN I WROTE TO HIM THAT BOTH OF US WERE AMBITIOUS, QUITE HOPEFUL, AND THAT WE BOTH BELIEVED IN THE INTEGRITY OF THE PROJECT.

ALLAN AND I BECAME FRIENDS, AND I HAVE ALWAYS HELD IT AS ONE OF THE TRUE HONORS OF MY LIFE THAT I WAS THE FIRST CALLER TO THE APOLOGY LINE THAT ALLAN CHOSE TO MEET IN PERSON. IT WAS BOTH BIZARRE AND THRILLING TO SEE THE MAN BEHIND THAT MARVELOUS VOICE; FACING MR. APOLOGY HIMSELF WAS A LOT LIKE FACING ALL THE DARK EXPERIENCES AND EMOTIONS WHICH SO MANY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAD CHOSEN TO REVEAL TO THE APOLOGY TAPES. IN SHORT, I WAS PETRIFIED WHEN I MET ALLAN, BUT OVER TIME I FELT THE SAME AS I FELT ABOUT THE LINE ITSELF: ITS MERE PRESENCE BECAME COMFORTING.

DURING THE TIME IN WHICH I WAS AN ACTIVE CALLER AND PARTICIPANT TO THE APOLOGY LINE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT POSSIBLE THAT ANYONE FROM THE LINE WOULD WILLINGLY IDENTIFY THEMSELF OR THAT THERE WOULD EVER BE OPPORTUNITY TO PUT FACES OR PERSONALITIES TO THE VOICES. I WAS NEVER TOTALLY AT EASE WITH THE CONCEPT OF OBTAINING ATONEMENT OR SERENITY BY EXPRESSING YOURSELF TO AN ANONYMOUS COMMUNITY. BUT THE CONTENT OF THE CALLS WAS OFTEN SO RIVETING THAT IT ALMOST SEEMED LIKE THE BARRIERS OF ANONYMITY COULD SOMEHOW BE MADE IRRELEVENT, AND ALL OF US COULD BE TOGETHER BOTH IN OUR MINDS AND IN THE HEART OF THE APOLOGY PROJECT.

I, FOR ONE, HAVE CHOSEN TO IDENTIFY MYSELF BECAUSE I JUST DON'T THINK IT MATTERS IF PEOPLE KNOW MY DARK SIDE. MOREOVER, I PERSONALLY HAVE CHOSEN TO TELL MANY, MANY PEOPLE THE THINGS I SO FEARFULLY CONFESSED TO APOLOGY'S ANSWERING MACHINES 2 AND 3 YEARS AGO, AND I CAN TRUTHFULLY SAY THAT IT IS A FAR MORE GRATIFYING EXPERIENCE TO HAVE EXPOSED MYSELF IN THAT WAY THAN INTO THE PHILOSOPHICAL AND EXCULPATORY PURGATORY OF APOLOGY.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO IMAGINE THAT THE APOLOGY PROJECT COULD EVER CONTINUE IN ANYONE ELSE'S HANDS. ALLAN WAS THE EMBODIMENT OF THE APOLOGY PROJECT. IT WAS, ABOVE EVERYTHING, THE DEFINITION OF ALLAN BRIDGE, AND NO ONE ELSE COULD EVER MAINTAIN THE PROJECT WITH THE UNIQUE BLEND OF COMPASSION, DIGNITY, AND CARE THAT ALLAN BRIDGE SO LOVINGLY EXPENDED ONTO THE PROJECT. WHEN YOU CALLED APOLOGY, YOU WERE CALLING ALLAN BRIDGE. WHEN YOU CALLED APOLOGY AND LEFT A STATEMENT, YOU WERE ENTERING HIS LIFE, HE WAS ENTERING YOUR LIFE, AND YOU BECAME A PART OF AN ESOTERIC COMMUNITY WHICH HE CREATED, AND WHOSE CHARACTER AND PROFILE HE ALONE MAINTAINED.

APOLOGY IS AMONG THE MOST STRIKINGLY PERSONAL ARTISTIC CREATIONS OF OUR TIME, AND IN ITS MOST COMPELLING HOURS IT CAPTURED THE STRENGTH, THE ESSENCE, AND THE MEANING OF AN EXTREMELY VITAL STRAIN OF AMERICAN LIFE, AND OF THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE IN TWO DECADES OF THE 20TH CENTURY. APOLOGY CAPTURED THE POWER OF PARANOIA, THE ENERGY OF FEAR, AND THE UNIQUE SOUNDS OF OBSESSION, PANIC, REMORSE AND SADNESS -- AND ALWAYS, ALWAYS COMPASSION AND CARE.

MARK A. THOMAS <[email protected]>