cleaning my office so when the mac witch doctor comes over on monday he will have room for pointing the cassowary bones and mumbling the incantations. i don't know why we can't just rub it all over with large denomination currency instead of performing these sacrifices and rituals.

watching a friend of mine cut mescaline into doses. he's sitting on the floor, crosslegged, and slicing with the accuracy of a surgeon.

i'm also reading a letter of mine from a close friend. he is a born again christian. i have no other friends like him; he has no other friends like me. yet we get along amazingly well. he hopes so much that i will accept god into my life some day and be born again. he quotes scriptures, speaks of jesus's love, and gives my deistic evidence for the existence of god. he has such hope. he just got back after a few months in china doing mission work; he thinks i may have found god in the meantime. he thinks i may have been saved.

i always hurts to disappoint a friend.

7/19/98, 7:43 AM
sarah is:

rubbing aloe from the plants in my yard all over my ass. i fried my booty good out at the beach today and now i type standing up. i shall sleep on my stomach tonight, a peaceful, cricketless sleep, with the fan blowing lightly to keep my bum from bursting into flames in the middle of the night.

and now it is time to make lemon pie offerings to the god of hangovers in hopes of being spared the agony come sunrise.

[email protected]

wondering if Sarah means lemon merangue pie. Mmmmm. haven't had a good one of those in ages. : )

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http://www.angelfire.com/md/pjayboy/index.html

wwwwooo...where is him?????

good morning all!

It embarrasses me that I have such a need to post this. I have never read a more sweetly sexy story in my life than Sarah's and her aloe'd bum and merangue pies.

Meringue. The confection of tightly whipped egg whites folded with sugar and more sugar 'til they form little peaks, soft and malleable, delicate and white, baked until they form a lightly browned skin but not long enough that the little peaks get burnt...

the delicately prepared meringue is always best, of course, but if you are in a hurry you can use an acetylene torch. if you have one in your kitchen, as i do.

sarah's pie will be crowned with emulsified mare's milk, fresh from the garden of eden. and it will be perfect.

watching a sparrow masturbate on the clothes line outside my window.

once i adopted a love bird named Kissy that flew into a townhouse where i used to live. he would sit and grind himself down on the towel rack in the downstairs bathroom, while foaming at the mouth. it worried me a bit so i took him to the vet. he said Kissy was just fine.

it seemed to me that Kissy needed a mate. and i think i was right, because just as Kissy had flown into my life, several months later he flew out again. i guess the towel rack just wasn't cutting it.

oh. and apparently lemon pies are magic as well as incredibly delicious. the gods were pleased and i'm feeling lucid. thanks sheila.

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harassing a poor young man and feeling happy about it.

dreaming of falling asleep and dreaming of being awake.

I'm TRYING to be profound, you idiot.

listening to counting crows, "I'm not sleeping". I've been told that I remind someone of this song, but he's in love with me and I'm not in love with him.

but I love this song and this whole CD and August and Everything After and their new one, and the whole band in general.

I'm still harassing this guy and it's actually fun.

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http://www.indosentris.net/geliebten

Checking out Mark wearing almost nothing and wondering if he knows I'm here. I'm also wondering how so many hours later, my post can still be on here. Wow. It's nice.

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http://spiffy.nu/sam

unable to wait to tell you: Lucy's eggs are hatching. right now! it's 4:30 monday morning, the 30th day of brooding, and i can barely see one baby and lots of movement under her tail as she sits. Leander is inside with her, near the nest guarding, and will not move. Gandolf is on duty at the main gate, but let me go in with the flashlight to check. the witch doctor is expected any minute, and the mac will be dismantled for the near future, but will keep you posted as i can.

"Don't you make me feel guilty! Don't you make me feel guilty!" she said.

I looked at her and tried to look as impassive as possible, but I'm sure there was a helpless look on my face.

"Not going to say anything, are you?" she said.

What could I say? She's been saying that to me since '87. I used to take it the way she meant it: "Do not make me feel weak in this situation, you're as weak as I am."

And it would work; I would feel ashamed at my own weakness. This time, though - after she had played out her anger and I had left the way I always do - I felt almost nothing. No pop-psychology term to account for it; I'm just tired of her.

If she is "not supposed to live like this" and is "meant for better things", then let her leave...find somebody or somewhere else...I'm just tired.

not-so-secretly glad that the witch doctor is indisposed today (something about a sprained back) because now i can wait and watch the geese as the gaggle increases. Three goslings thus far, and more peeping heard. Leander is literally standing over Lucy and the babies; i have to spy from the clerestory window on the west side. They know i'm there, but accept it as long as i don't try to come closer or go inside the room. Poor Gandolf wants to be involved, but each time he places a webbed foot on the threshhold, he is EJECTED by the big guy, who is definitely in charge.

Breaking news and updates will be in the Geese and Relaed Matters section.

not understanding the basics anymore. Have I forgotten so much information in so little time? Apparently so, and now I fear for my so-called job security.

Damn!

turning off the air conditioning for awhile, letting in some fresh, if muggy, air.

making myself a chicken salad sandwhich.

drinking cold cherry coke.

listening to the alley outside.

recovering.

i dropped a lot of acid last night. maybe too much. i don't know. i don't know anything about my world anymore.

reality is a unbridled flow out of which i am desperately grasping handfuls.

and it doesn't feel like anything will ever be the same.

i can't communicate who i am right now. language is so sadly inadequate for my needs.

it feels fucking extraordinary.

7/20/98, 6:32 PM
Samantha is:

posting here, bored out of her mind. and eating stale chocolte graham crackers. I'm putting up a new website tomorrow and I will post the addy for you all to see. if you want to. and I'm watching Full House. does it get anymore boring?

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I am trying to find out how much the price of a 1986 VW Jetta would cost...and insurance...yes, I am buying my very first car...be pleased you have witnessed this event...

www.geocities.com.SoHo/Gallery/6742

back. phish was neet.

jealous of nate. i was supposed to be at that show.

God was at that show. with Eve.

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My TV died on Sunday. I've kept it on for 24 hours a day for at least the past year. That probably has something to do with it. On Sunday afternoon I turned it off, and it never came back on.

That evening I was drinking wine with a friend, and told her about my TV. She got angry, which surprised me, and said: "That house is falling apart! What are you going to do about it? You just don't seem to care."

My house is in pretty bad condition, but I've learned to live with it. I don't worry myself sick about it anymore. Still, last night as I slept alone in my bed, I dreamt that the house was falling apart - walls cracking open, joists and studs exposed, water spewing from pipes.

I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I went to work, came home.

I decided on rice for dinner. I keep my rice in one of those sealable glass jars. There is some kind of little insect that lives in the rice; they were there when I opened the box. I don't know what they are. They're much smaller than the rice. I like to watch them crawl around on the rice grains (or whatever you call them). I can't imagine how they survive in there: the rice doesn't look like it's been eaten or anything.

I put some water on to boil and scooped out a cup of rice that had bugs in it. While the rice was cooking, I rinsed out an old mayonaisse jar ('bout 2 cup, I think) and went next door and had my neighbor fill it up with jug red wine.

The rice cooked up with the bugs in it, and I ate it with chicken (I buy frozen breasts in a bag) and broccoli.

After I finished all the food and wine, I cleaned up a little, but not much.

Since I didn't have a TV, I decided to listen to the radio. Monday is the best night on the community radio station. First 2 hours of blues, then 2 hours of Cajun/Zydeco, then Caribbean (which I'm listening to now), then all-night jazz beginning at midnight.

The station is tricky to get, though. I have to put the antenna on the ground upside-down, and then sit in the middle of the room. A few pillows and a blanket and it's pretty comfortable.

As I listened to the radio, I did a crossword, ate some ice cream, and read a Donald Barthelme storie.

Home from yet another Internet meeting. This bunch was without a doubt the most fascinating, incredible, fun, out going, caring and genuine bunch I have met so far. Its totally unbeleivable how close we all were and how we all just bonded like we have known each other forever. There was 15 of us. We did my house on Thursday night then we did Ybor City (awesome) and Bush Gardens for the weekend then my house again on Sunday night and they all left this morning. Everything that could have possibly happened, happened and it was amazing how comfortable everyone was with one another. No one wanted to leave but the real world can only be put off for so long then ya gotta go back to it. I havent slept in almost 4 days now and I'm totally physically and mentally exausted but it was so very very worth it. Cant wait for the next one next month in Jacksonville. I gotta pretty cool birthday present from my husband...a seperation. Yup, it was the perfect birthday for me.

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Happy Separatin, Dani! Psss...I got my divorce on my birthday. Some things just work out that way, eh? *smile* You seem to be the hostest with the mostest! Always ready to throw a bash for internet-ers all over the place. GOOD FOR YOU! Boy did I have a funky night last night. I was being Suzy Homemaker and unloading groceries from the car. See, there's this storm drain where I park my car. If someone ever crawls down there, they are going to hit the jackpot. Bills, money, windex, checkbook cover (complete with Register!) and as of last night, half a bag of groceries. DAMN! Guess we eat the hotdogs on regular bread, and my favorite stuffed potatoes are heating up as we speak down there. Maybe it will feed the snakes in there. Do snakes eat bread? Hmmmmmm....Anyhoo. Off to do the laundry. Happy Tuesday everyone!

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/3124

I am totally bewildered. I had this best friend, a female, by the name of Susannah. I posted about her recently. Anyway, she started telling me that she had fallen in love with me. I told her that wasn't going to work, (but not in such a harsh, cold manner.) She knew it wouldn't work, anyway. Then, a few days later, she came back and said that she was wrong when she said it, and all this shit. I said, ok, lets just forget about it. But, really, I haven't. I am not the same person around her now, because I don't have much faith in her mental stability. And every fucking email she sends me has some wise-ass remark about something. Constantly harrasing me about something. Today I told her off. Yesterday, I didn't want to lost her as a friend. Today, I want her to get the fuck away from me as fast as she can. Funny how life is like that, hmm??

That in itself isn't so wierd. What makes it wierd, is that is the fourth pyschologically unstable female in my life in the last year. I dated this girl for about three years, when one day, she just snapped. Who knows where she is, right now... Then, I dated another girl who had remarkable similarities to the original in some ways. She snapped, too. Then, Susannah tells me all this bull shit about everything, and I have another friend just like her. I am starting to lose my faith in women.

Friday night, I was kinda stressed. I went out for a drive. Remembering the post about driving that I put up a while back, that may seem wierd. But I went way out in the country. I had my favorite pipe, some excellent jazz, and the open road. As I was driving down this winding, twisted country road, I came over a ridge, upon the most beautiful vista I have seen in ages. The sun was setting beautifully over this hilltop, it was just inspiring. I think that is what I will do after work. Drive way out in the country. I can't see the sunset today, because of a previous obligation, but I would love to. I'll just have to find that bliss somewhere else today...

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http://listen.to/ryan

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting � over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

************

thinking about lucy and the crew.

************

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wondering if a 1986 VW Jetta even has a cost... depending on where it's been... might be something they should pay you to take off their hands....

Im thinking that you really need to clean your rroom!!!! Eeeegggadds!

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http://members.aol.com/GArcher941/Graphics.html

singing pitifully to Adam Duritz's beautiful voice and trying to make it sound better than I can.

took the cannonball down to the ocean .... across the desert across from the sea, the shining sea .... "How do you do?" she said, "hey, how do you do?" .... she buys a ticket cuz it's cold where it comes from .... she climbs aboard because she's scared of getting older in the snow .... she says, "hey, how do you do?"

it just carries me away. and I listen to "Ghost Train" and watch Mark type something on his computer. it makes me smile. happy day. even though I slept in til 2:00. which actually is a good thing.

where does Mark live to have it be 10:00 there?

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http://altern.org/faced

Laughing! Yup, thats me Jori..I'm just a net-meeting freak!! I'll tell ya, I miss them alot..I just spent 5 days with them and its so quiet now..I cant wait to get all the photos that were taken with all of us! It was the best meet yet!! Oh yeah, the seperation is a wonderful thing!

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gripped with panic.

i have only a few short weeks left in california. i have never found a place like this before; a haven for people like me. i have found my niche. and i need to leave it sooner than i have expected.

how do i just abandon the life i have created here to go back to the misery from which i come?

all i can do today is look at the window at my beautiful world and feel so damn sorry for myself.

and time keeps on ticking and encroaching on my paradise.

all i know is that i am going to just rage until the end.

i'm not going out quietly.

7/21/98, 9:54 PM
Jori is:

Well, i'm kind of a net meeter myself. Let's see...i live in Texas....have traveled to Oklahoma, Louisiana, San Francisco... Each trip has made their own experiences. I cannot say which is better than the last. Louisiana provided growth and empowerment, Oklahoma provided lots of drinks and new acquaintances, and San fran provided me with the first "week vacation" I've had in seven years. Along with a wonderful friend whom i can stay with in London if ever given the chance. Ah.......sweet internet friends. What a world we live in.

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/3124/

enjoying some wonderfull, old fashioned, and home grown, double vision.. yeah baby...

feeling a bit ill after a glass or two of wine. I'm suprised I can still type. but I'm not drunk. not drunk enough for a drunken rambling. in fact, right now I should be carted away by the cops. I'm only fifteen. what am I doing drinking? I might ask my self the somerhing thing. oh damn, that was a weird thing to type. I'm not feeling like fixing that error. if I had decided not to fix any errors, this would be a pretty messed up thing to say.

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http://altern.org/faced

having a day of fear and self-loathing

raging against the dying of the light

in love with my internet friend

cheered by the thought that we're not so different after all, no matter how we spend our time, how we choose to live, where we come from, why we do what we do. not so different at all

Wondering why my boss always comes in my office when I have my feet up on my desk, and I'm kicked back in my chair, scrolling through sorabji. I do work... occasionally.

listen.to/ryan

Wondering why my boss always comes in my office when I have my feet up on my desk, and I'm kicked back in my chair, scrolling through sorabji. I do work... occasionally.

http://listen.to/ryan

thinking that I post here so much that I should have a scroll bar option. wow. I'm such a boring one.

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http://altern.org/faced

tryin' to type somethin' in English. Feelin' sick (I'm sick, really). Thinkin'bout my tomorrows party. Lookin' at Mark. Dreamin' it's friday. And goin' home.

Love You all.

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her bikini small heels tall she said she like the ocean.

she showed me the beach gave me a peach and pulled out the suntan lotion.

i'm goin back to cali, cali, cali i'm goin back to cali huh. i don't think so.

***********

see you crazyheads next week.

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wishing my friend never introduced me to IRC....He KNOWS I get addicted to chat so easily....well, as long as it doesn't distract me from sorabji, it's okay. I'm also realizing that wisper is spelled w-h-i-s-p-e-r. damn

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Vomitting. BARF! Not in a MILLION years of celibacy, Darrin! *blech*

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Http://www.inyourdreams.com

I'm bleeding. I'm tired. I'm complaining. I've been doing this for awhile now. I need to snap out of it.

listening to my family yelling.

Maybe I should cut back on sending my whan am I doing messages. I don't do a lot of stuff usually and yet I post over two times a day.

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http://altern.org/faced

Sitting here nude at the computer browsing sorabji

I'm sitting here thinking "Why is some peanut butter more chunky then others and why don't they make it all the same?" But anyway other then that i was reading the hilariously stupid stories by MArk Thomas.

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about to change my name to Ibid.

I'll seem smarter then.

smoking ciga.

saying hello.

hi! ^o^"

I'm veeeery tired. bye.

I know there is a way to post links on message boards. Its bugging me. Anyway, I was laughing at sax players. There is this board I go to when looking for information, and such. It is pretty popular. Anyway, this 14 year old posted on there and wanted to know how to sound like Kenny G. The older, wiser sax players ate that young man alive. Here I go trying to post links in message boards again, <A HREF ="http://www.classicsax.com/wwwboard/instrmessages/622.html" HERE </A> I know that didn't work. But its posted below, the poor kid.

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http://www.classicsax.com/wwwboard/instrmessages/622.html

saying FUCK really loud. That isn't even what I typed in. Maybe, if I had typed in regular HTML it would have worked. No, I had to use that fucking magic message board HTML, and it still doesn't work.

On a lighter note, today is a beautiful day in Kentucky...

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http://listen.to/ryan

fascinated by what might be written on that blanket. The picture seems ever so much larger now at 640 x 480. It's like getting glasses for the first time. more scrollbars, but more details too?

Feeling intensely dense. Hay fire to go. Contemplating pleasure.

hate to be the one to tell you this, but you cannot post inside your message. That's just the way it is. What I can't figure out ( and I know they've mentioned this before) is how to get spaces, carriage returns on here. Anyone help me on that one?

trying again to write a coherent series of paragraphs summarizing the events of my day. the past few days, that is. much to tell, but i'm still numb from something. don't know what. too numb to care much about anything.. been this way for a year now.

watched a baseball game last night. part of it, that is. after 1 inning the braves led the phillies 8-0. by the time i lost interest it was 13-2. i think. maybe it was 12-2. there was some confusion about the scoring, i remember that.

feeling all comfy lounging here in the cheap lawnchair from Walgreen's. still basking in the afterglow of the first decent night's sleep i've had in about a month.

new air conditioner, you see, it not only cools the room but it drowns out the noises from outside. the ice cream truck and the sirens. not that the ice cream man is thoughtless enough to plow through the neighborhood while the people sleep.

reflecting today on the catastrophe that occured in times square earlier this week. a woman, 85, was sitting by the window of her room at the Woodstock hotel on 43rd street when several tons of steel scaffolding crushed her to death.

she had a fine view of the zipper news thing, and an article in Newsday had an eloquent point of view on the matter. the writer described how she, like all residents of the Woodstock, woke up expecting to quietly pass another of her last days in peace.

times sqaure has been shut off to traffic for 2 days, and the place has a moribund carnival atmosphere about it.

with no traffic pedestrians are free to walk in the middle of the street like new year's eve. today i saw a large group of tourists using this unique opportunity to get their picture taken right in the middle of the street.

i learned something about broadway 2 days ago. i knelt down to get something out of my backpack and discovered that the sidewalk smelled vile. a mix of piss and sweat and vomit and summer heat that almost made me pass out.

i had to stand right back up again.

so don't think of napping on the sidewalks during a heatwave rush hour, it fucking stinks to hell down there.

but the music is good/

7/23/98, 11:30 PM
Sama is:

thinking about chopping off all of my hair and setting up my webcam (finally).

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http://altern.org/faced

I am REJOICING because I finished The alliance of People for Friction inhibition and the seven year search for the Technicolor Dreambike: The illustrated guide to Smoothness.

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http://kodiak.billings.k12.mt.us/~aurastorm

Hornier than an elk in heat. THERE. I said it.

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eating a cheese scone and thinking about the end of my days. For as long as I can remember I have always seen the end of my life as something that would happen in a hotel. Somehow in the course of my life I would amass enough funds to let me sit out the rest of my life at the hotel bar. The Hotel would be far away from England, my homeland, disconnected with my childhood, youth, middle age...perhaps another large city, perhaps an island in the South Pacific. I would be an oddity, an eccentric, drinking screwdrivers for breakfast and wearing large, unsuitable hats for dinner. The staff would all know me by name and let me wander freely about the corridors. Most days I would be alone, with my books for company, but occassionally there would be fleeting friendships with other guests, a social drink or two, a loud, raucous dinner and maybe later some dancing. But at the end of my days I would really be alone, no children, no lover, no friends, and I would sit and remember them all fondly at the bar, all those people I loved...this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with whimper

spending my valuable time trying to solve the mystery of the jumbled blanket.

Joanne reminded me, by way of the stumbling associations I make, of a story I once read called "Cheap in August." Someday you may run across that title and be curious to read it.

I thought about my own death, which I am pretty sure will be the result of neglect for my health or my personal safety.

I would like to spend my last days the way Joanne described them, with maybe a few details altered. Maybe I'll end up, if I'm lucky, in the same bar as she. I will sit on the other side of the bar from her, and we will avoid looking at other for days or weeks. Then one day we will happen to strike up a conversation....

Getting ready to take my aunt to the grocery store. Such fun. Maybe I'll get a treat. Like a dove bar. MMMmmmm.

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http://www.angelfire.com/md/pjayboy/index.html

gunshots inside the capitol building

looking at two tickets for the George Clinton/P-Funk All Stars show at the Apollo Theatre tomorrow night...

9:00AM monday morning i'll be picking up my tickets for the Beastie Boys show at the Nassau Coliseum on august 24th...

Massive Attack at the Hammerstein Ballroom September 12th...

i plan on doing nothing this summer except work all day and funk all night. this is what makes life worth living.

the mothership lands in harlem tomorrow night.

i've got my boarding pass and i'm planning to ride it all the way.

7/24/98, 4:03 PM
joanne is:

wondering what a capitol building is and why there should be gunshots in it

The Whitehouse, baby. I'm wondering why there wouldn't be

Soooo happy!! I just got a phone call saying that everyone from the net meet we had last weekend is coming back in 2 weeks to do it again! Actually, not all of them..just 5 of them. I cant wait! Those people were the most awesome people I EVER met! Made my day...made my week actually..

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back from watching the news. ah yes - gunshots in the capitol building

but don't you forget - I heard it here first

hanging out in my mom's office with my sister, 10 other computers, and two cokes. I'm waiting for my mom to leave work so I can get my hair chopped off as described in various other messages.

Isn't life grand?

Oh, by the way, the monitor sizes here are 15 inches. This screen is impossibly small. Grawr.

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http://altern.org/faced

listening to mark play mussorgsky. now shutting down my computer and packing it up. new offices on monday. no more old, stinky erstwhile law firm squat. why does this make me so happy? it is disturbing. ...

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watching tv for the first time in weeks. the news. in addition to the tragedy of the day, an inspiring story about a guy running across Africa. Im going out and pop some corpuscles...

Just getting in from my nightly star watch. Every night I go out in my driveway with a Bud Light and a Newport and I sit on the boat trailor and look up at the stars for a while and I think about the fact that no matter where he is in the world, he sees the same exact stars in the same exact sky as I do.

thinking about FunkUnPoco's page.... that girl is one of the coolest and most creative persons I have read on the net.*her page brought me here* I'm think how to make my e-zine 100% better and I'm also thinking how in the heck Am i going to be able to download and install realplayer 5.0. Without crashing so i can see bigtadssecondtime.earthlink.net monday night... thinking that I have to wake up at 6 a.m tomorrow....

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travel.to/supersonico.travel

Last night, in a drunken rambling of my own thoughts, I decided not to be in jail when the year 2000 turns. I just have this strange feeling that isn't going to come true. So, I am trying to be on my best behavior. *grin*

http://listen.to/ryan

thwarted, teased, tantalized by that blankie.

i am smoking crack

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