TO:ICEDOLL
PLEASE...CALL ME..
PLEASE...
FROM:HOTDOLL

staring in circles
repeating each moment
all in strings
strings
strings
no events
just

[email protected]
http://www.velvet.net/~starchy

not believing that noone has posted in over 24hrs.

well, this ought to take care of that....

correcting himself.

well....ALMOST 24hrs.

wondering why all of a sudden I am craving something I have never had. A Big Mac. I don't even eat hamburgers.

[email protected]
http://www.angelfire.com/md/pjayboy/index.html

avoiding the project.

avoid.

avoid.

void..
void...

brain should be oozing from my head by now. but it's not.

this morning i woke to the skuttle of little feet on my hardwood floor. 6:45am. thought it was a mouse digging through my goods. but it wasn't.

it was a crawdaddy.

i give him two weeks. that should be enough time for him to poop the baddies. clean his system up. give him a spit shine and a 100C bath.

he has two brothers in the fishtank. together they will form a minor meal. i am thinking about their little tails, diced tomatoes, artichoke hearts, olives, capers, shrimp, scallops, mussels.

garlic. absolutely garlic.

and fresh cracked black pepper.

linguini. I think. Have to see how it looks. it might be more capellini fare.

and my cichlids. i'm not sure how i'm going to transport them to santa cruz. perhaps i'll just transport them to my belly with a little butter and onion and dill.

leeetle tiny fillets.

nummy.

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then 20 years and more go by.
unemployment punctuated by rare and absurd employment - solitude by rare and absurd encounters.
rarer and rarer and rarer
but can't master the desire thing.
no nausea, just frustrations punctuated by disgust.
the meager archives are too chaotic to access - too full to add to.

listening to the :zoviet france: CD I just picked up, after returning home from diinner with a German physicist. He confirmed two of my theories:

-that all physicists are wacky
-that monkeys and injured cats are universally funny.

It's a small world, after all.

[email protected]
http://www.velvet.net/~starchy

Eating somthing.

Drinking water.

Watching you.

What is ELEKTO???

i spy...

happy fun ball

weird science

[email protected]
http://www.velvet.net/~starchy

Are you all right???

squeezing avacados to make guacamole.

i went to 5 grocery stores before i found some crappy old avacados. they were 2 dollars a pop. in california they are 3 for a dollar.

i don't know why i'm making food. i have no appetite. i can't eat. i can't sleep.

my nose keeps dripping. drip drip drip. and my eyes are all watery all the time.

i can't find an apartment. so it's rob's couch for 4 months.

drip drip drip.

8/20/98, 9:21 PM
sorabji is:

i am fine, baybee, how are you?

meaningless and incongruous.

[email protected]

Wondering how it is that I don't know when I should have but I don't

not moving, but not quite stationary yet.

When I do move, i sort of roll from side to side, like a sailor on land.

according to the mileage-ometer, i drove 430 miles today.

a land soilor.

430 miles was excessive. it included getting lost in King's Mountain N.C and making an unplanned passage through lovely Gastonia.

soon, i will stop seeing ghost images of trucks up ahead that I have to pass.

but i am starting to become grounded. I just went through my email from work.

staying up as long as it takes to finish this damn drawing that someone asked me to do for them..months and months and months ago..but imade a promise that i'd get it done before i went back u p to school..and i've waited till the last minute...as always..

it's beena long time since ive gotten all wired on coffee and stayed up like this..every light on in this room and the next few rooms over..tv on..blaring some mtv crap..can't stand to hear one more repeat of the news..computer on..five different programs open..that i'm not even looking at..just need the company of the lights..the tv...the computer...

don't even want to go to sleep, at this point..
not tired..

going to bed..


for all of three hours...

used to be different
now I'm the same

need coffee
and
OOH BABY!
Tylenol
headache-go-bye-bye pills are friends of mine

and shake my shaky hand..

[email protected]
http://www.velvet.net/~starchy

well advised by his legal team that expression of certain true feelings could constitute a felony and should best be avoided.

we are a huge, corrupt nation.

we responded to the bombing deaths of innocents by bombing innocents. does our wealth and technical superiority make our acts any less terrorism?

george washington was a terrorist. mull that over next fourth of july.

i am wound tight this morning. i want to effect. these are dangerous thoughts.

[email protected]

so happy to be back here after involuntary time out because of server terror, isp falures, and the Bad Thing. Consequently lost all addresses, mail, etc. again. And found how easy it is to live Without Backing Up.

Now to catach up on sorabji.

Mondo goose news in the works.

thinking about how much i like oreo cookies and how the new cereal is just a marketing ploy.

[email protected]

just dropped a wrench into my computer and cracked open my datohex. fuck.

i am badly growing

hello.This is icedoll.

I am fine. thank you.^o^'

What are you doing???

hey whats up?

Roying

[email protected]
http://come.to/pla

listening to miles davis - "Gondwana".

off "Pangaea"

writing code for days.

java makes me feel all good and bad at the same time.

like a trickle of precum slithering down my leg.

[email protected]

it was a good night.

after failing miserably to scam our way on to the floor, we dragged our beaten asses back up to section 313. (madison square garden is pretty much locked down harder than a cell-block). by this point i'm kinda pissed. pissed that i blew off getting tickets to the show on the 24th which featured KRS-ONE, pissed that my kaya connection fell through, but mostly pissed that MSG refused to let the concessions sell beer for this event.

we're walking into gate 72 when the lights go down and you hear "NEW YORK CITY!" and a sell-out crowd of 20,000 blows-up to some guy you can't really see on stage cuz the lights are so dim. he milks it. "NEW YORK CITY!" the stage lights go up. a familiar beat starts pumping. and i'm feeling a hell of a lot better. it's Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest. Phife, Ali Shaheed Muhommad, and Jarobi get on stage and kick out "show business". they do "can we kick it", "find a way", "scenario", and dedicate "award tour" to the beastie boys. then they kinda drop a little drama by thanking everybody for ten years of support and announcing that "Love Movement" is going to be the last album from A Tribe Called Quest. we'll see about that.

when the Beastie Boys come out, madison square garden feels like it just might blow up. they do pretty much everything-- tracks off ill communication, check your head, paul's botique, licensed to ill, and of course hello nasty.

stangest, funniest moment: biz markie getting on stage and singing "benny and the jets" while the beastie's play in the background.

the most interesting moment was when Adam Horowitz paused the show for a second and said something to the effect of, " as a citizen of the United States of America, i would like to apologize to all Muslim and Arabic peoples for the actions taken by my country today. "

he was roundly booed. some asshole threw a cup at him.

he dedicated "something's got to give" to all of humanity.

he's up there singing "someday... we will... all be ONE."

the general consensus seemed to be, "no. we won't."

maybe it's just me, but it seemed that the beasties didn't have their heart in it after that display from the audience. at least for a while.

that changed when biz markie came out and led a sing a long. "THE BEASTIE BOYS-- OH YEAH THEY COMIN' HOME! THEY COMIN' HOME! THEY COMIN' HOME." of course the manhattan crowd blew up... this is pretty much what they'd been wating for-- the home-team is back in town and kicking ass... (except for all that "dot head loving commie crap", as one meat-headed fuck near me commented)

one of the kids in front of me said something that made me smile. after the dedication of "something's got to give" he says:

" i guess the Beastie Boys aren't really New Yorkers anymore, ya know?.... it's like now... they're just Funky Earthlings."

8/23/98, 1:15 AM
PetRock is:

now listening to a guilty pleasure. and it's really not all that good really. but i saw their first ever concert back in, uhm....1980? 1981? and it brings back memories.

but shit if you think i'm gonna tell who....you wouldn't care and after swine's post about the beasties and nate's about mile's....well mine is no big deal.

but think 80's, think SUPERgroup, and think maybe 2 albums and 1 gh. that should give you enough to go on....

oh, and this: i saw the sorrow, i saw the joy

[email protected]

guessing: SUPERTRAMP?

(joke guess) (i actually saw them in concert. dating will do things like that to you.)

(Asia?)

Roy! http://come.to/pla
Sorry to just advertise like that... but bite me.

[email protected]
http://come.to/pla

What do you think about asian???

what what what does it matter to you...

i am not anything at the moment, just there.

what is that t-shirt?

what time is it...

work tomorrow

e.

listening to elton john all night long. lots of gray songs. remembering all those 28-cent 8-track tapes i and chris found at the walgreen's in tampa, and how most of them were elton john, some mozart, others steve miller band.

sounds like he's singing "GOOD OLD COUNTRY COMFORT IN MY BALLS

"COUNTRY COMFORT, IN A TRUCK, IS GOIN' BACK HOME"

and how i played them all summer long for as long as i was good enough to own that car.

haven't had a car since 1986.

8/24/98, 6:00 AM
PetRock is:

damned.

found out again.

guilty as charged.

but honestly, i only bought the thing cuz it brought back memories.

i know it's crap but, you know -- i mean what the fock, i also bought the knacks' first album on cd this year. more flashbacks.

but i will NOT go as far as getting that goddamned styx cd -- even if they were my first ever concert.

damn -- that sounds so not hip.

*stands up and announces* my name is pete and i used to like styx.

shoot me now. please....

Dough no buddy got no Mr. Roboto... donut donut... LOL

[email protected]

and i quote:

"
i'm flyin'
in a frame of my mind
that time cannot erase
i'm seein'
the future the past
as i lay the present to waste
i'm scopin'
all these feelings i have
and hoping for them to come true
and i'm holdin
something more precious than
fine ore
baby
i'm holdin' you.

i'm breathin'
the fumes of the grid
that rid my lobe of oxygen
i'm climbin'
the walls to where good
and evil
make amends
i'm trippin
writhin' and squeelin'
pukin'
lookin' for someone like you
and i'm holdin'
something more precious
than fine ore
baby
i'm holdin' you.

"

[email protected]

hoping that isn't some obscure styx quote there nate.

drinking gatorade.

my father came home today with a familiar brown paper bag. he brought a similar bag home every night i can remember spending in this house.

i needed to leave. as i walked through the living room with my keys, my father demanded to know where i was going. he always wants to know exactly where i am and when i will get back. it's not because he is worried for my safety; it's because every time i walk out of that door, that brown paper bag opens and the videos come out.

i mumbled a reply and climbed into my car. i didn't know where i was going. i ended up at a 7-11 examining the "health" drinks: gatorade and a kool-aid splash. i opted for the gatorade.

i decided to drive around in the neighborhood where i grew up. my house is very different now. the trees in whose boughs i climbed are now mulch for someone's garden.

my home was never a place for rest. it was always filled with anger and spite and confusion. i always wondered what the neighbors thought about the screams and yells and cries floating out of our windows.

i was not a happy child.

and there i was tonight, sitting in my old driveway where i played hopscotch. it felt wrong. this whole situation feels wrong. and for that, i could not be more grateful. it means i have evolved. i'm not used to this bullshit anymore. i got out. and when i move out of this house tomorrow, and move far, far away in a few months, i know that i succeeding in downing the antitode to this poison. i will win and i will never look back.

at this point, i realized i was too drunk to be driving around. i drove back to face the last night at this home. and i knew well enough to shake the keys for a few seconds outside the door to give my father time to turn off the tapes and hide them again in that brown paper bag.

but as i followed the routine of averting my eyes and shuffling to find safety in my room, i felt as ashamed and week as i did when i was 10.

here's to evolution.

8/24/98, 11:27 PM
Dick Nifty is:

nate sucks.

kind of befuddled.

the "company" has a "business trip" laid out for me. seems i'll be in Plano, Tx for a few days.

how convenient.

up until a moment ago, i was sewing small beads onto a piece of leather, something i do to keep myself busy, and from clipping my cat's claws, which, as you know, can swifty turn into an addiction. then what would happen to the cat? it doesn't bear thinking of. then the needle broke. now what?

getting ready for bed.

after two hours at the gym, sore, i met Robbie down at the beach for late night surfing. i'm not actually a surfer, but i try anyway. i can ride a few as long as i'm on the mini-tanker. a real long board is too hard for me to handle.

there's a nice swell tonight. a perfect 3-5 feet at diamond head. the paddle out to the break wasn't too bad, but my body was tired.

relaxed. i've found that staying relaxed makes for easier surfing. it helps you let your body get into the rhythm of the waves.

the wind was quiet and the waves were breaking nice. as i took my longest ride of the night, i found myself flashing back on the five years i've lived in hawaii. after a brief stint in Montana, i moved here when i was 22 years old. looking back now, i was half child and half adult. i was a different person back then. i've grown up a lot in five hears. but hawaii still shelters me, keeps me young, keeps me grounded.

sometimes i feel pressure (from where?) to move back to the mainland. somehow i feel like i'm cheating or getting away with something by living in paradise. i've seen a lot of people come and go in the 5 years i've been here. it's not for everybody. hawaii has a lot to offer but you have to sacrifice a lot as well.

getting what you want is easy. the hard part is deciding what you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want. for now at least, hawaii is worth every sacrifice. my life here is gentle. this place is home.

i'll sleep well tonight.

[email protected]

listening to Shostakovich's Sonata for cello and piano in D major, with Vladimir Ashkenazy and Lynn Harrell playing, and being surprised to like it so much. Lately i find myself being haunted by little melodies which I guess are deliberately supposed to be haunting, such as the little hymn refrain in the middle of Holst's "Jupiter" which drove me crazy for 2 weeks... But this piece has a lot of other neat things going for it, sneaky little effects, twists and suspense... The surprise is i like it better than the Prokofiev on the same record, usually it's the other way round.

feeling for chordata. the good ones always get out. that's how it works.

having a teary tuesday. pent up frustrations reach flash point when someone is unneccesarily rude in your face. i was only trying to close the shop. thank fuck fer choons

all hopped up on store brand caffine pills.

"Oral dosage is 1 tablet (200mg,) not more often than every 3 to 4 hours."

well now, if i followed those directions i would obviously not be a drug abuser, would i?

when they specifically say Oral Dosage, does that imply that there are other dosages for other consumption methods?

maybe in a few hours i'll shove four or eight up my ass and see what happens.

or maybe i won't.



damn. i need to listen to mellower music.

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rolling around on the floor of my new apartment.

licking the fun up.

getting nervous and excited about the last first-day-of-class i will ever have.

hurrah for school! hurrah for art! hurrah for life!

8/26/98, 5:23 PM
betty is:

sitting here at work. not werking.

betty.fusebox.com

snorting crushed store-brand caffine pills.

going for the uni-nostril.

[email protected]

hi. It's me,icedoll.
My E-mail address is [email protected].

It's so really cute monkey. hahaha.

wondering why i bother

well, thinking that my wayd responses have not been up to mustard lately, i haven't cut deep enough, scraped the truth, made wild revelations... just fragments of this n that... and having this contradictory impulse that to even try would be a mistake, and besides, i need to be working now, and i don't owe anybody a damn thing, but still...

still i wonder about the heart...

convinced nelly is correct in sensing that beneath the superficial layers of pretension that underlie the outermost veneer of pressured wit, lies the core in flux. entering a new life phase, come from larva to pupa to imago. to bloom in glory for...a minute? forever, ever evolving? it is important enough to wait and see.

cleaning off the muck, splooge, and random refuse splashed on my shoes by a runaway firetruck that nearly shuffled my mortal ass off to lo-lo land as i was crossing broadway...
apparently the Chase Plaza Tower across the street is on fire.
looking out the window, i see that it is not just "on fire", but "ON FIRE!".
it doesn't look so good. the streets are lined with people craning their necks to see the thick black smoke pouring out of the top of the building.
it strikes me that you never see new yorkers looking up unless there is some calamity to behold above eye-level. the observation of carnage is a favorite past time in new york city. you read about the guy who got taken out by a ton of bricks that fell off the rooftop construction site in brooklyn, the woman who fell to her death through the rusty sidewalk grill in the bronx, the 90+ people who died when a fire broke out in an illegal club in manhattan, and countless other unfortunate situations that happen to people we only know posthumously as "victims". mortality feels like a quality possessed only by "other people". i remember a friend in college telling another friend (who was convinced he had overdosed), "don't worry. you're not gonna die. death only happens to people you don't know." logically it sounds ridiculous, but the sentiment strikes a chord deep inside that refuses to accept the reality of ending. i can think of at least five instances where i've nearly died... one in which i definitely *should* have died.
surviving reinforces the feeling that mortality is someone else's problem. it allows me to act recklessly without fear of consequence. it's easy to embrace nihilism when you don't really believe in annihilation.
eventually it's all going to bite me in the ass.
i won't look twice while crossing the street, lose my footing while leaning over the tracks looking for the subway, or just be in the wrong place at the wrong time... and everything that i am will be boiled down into a cold statistic.

until then, i'll take my place among the living and revel in it. someone is telling me that the helicopters have come to hose down the Chase Tower. i think i'll go over and take a look.

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wishing Chordata a great 20th birthday today! rock on into the next century, girl.

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Happy Birthday Chordata

Next year in Beserkeley

Love your site. Great humor. I have taken pictures of toilets many times myself

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http://www.ncal.verio.com/~richardg/dogsaga.htm

huh?
Oh.......u mean me?
well im sitting here, doing nothing (as always)
i don't know what else to say exept that all swedish girls are not stupid beutiful blond longleged blueeyed big breasted bimbos.....
Hey im 13...some say that i have the whole life ahead of me....
but whats life without eny friends?
What im doing?
doing nothing..as always.......

[email protected]

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalalallalaalllallladaladaladanielalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal alalalalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalallalalalahappybirthdaylalalalalala lladanielalalalalalallalalallala

very happy today.

i was miserable and in a bitchy mood all week expecting this day to be disappointing. and my wonderful friends pulled me right out of my wallowing. thank you.

i'm off to my party with a big cake and pin the tail on the donkey and several cases of beer and champagne and balloons and barbie party favors and hats and napkins and tablecloths and noisemakers.

i don't care how old i'm getting, on this day i am living it up like a kid.

8/28/98, 11:01 PM
is:

waiting for this work day to end so i can go up to my house, sit on the deck, smoke a j, drink a beer, listen to some tunes, and watch the sun set into the ocean.

waiting for this work day to end so i can go up to my house, sit on the deck, smoke a j, drink a beer, listen to some tunes, and watch the sun set into the ocean.

[email protected]

About a week and a half ago I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning, and they discovered that I had cracked another tooth. It has to be capped now; they spent 2 hours or so boring it out and fitting it with a temporary cap that day. I get the permanent one on Tuesday. All of this will cost $800 and I don't have dental insurance.

This will make my be my sixth cap/crowned tooth. I am only 31. Ever since I became an adult I've been clenching, grinding, and gnashing my teeth every damn day. Most people see me as having an almost Zen-like serenity...my teeth are bearing the burden. My dentist had a mouth guard made for me 9 months ago: a crescent of hard plastic that fits over my bottom row of teeth and cost me $282. I've worn it only sporadically, but since I cracked that last tooth I've really tried to wear it every night. Last night, after wearing it every night straight for a week, I pulled the thing out of its little case to put it in and a peice of it broke off in my hand. It was just small enough to swallow but large enough to get lodged in my esophagus(sp?) and had a sharp edge where the break was.

It's been a while since I've read Henderson the Rain King, but I remember a part where Henderson gives a little inventory of his and his (I think current) wife's dental work and says something like, "we both suffer with our teeth."

playing with one of the best gifts i have ever received.

a friend who spent his summer in china purchased a lighter for me at the tomb of chairman mao. it is a large silver instrument with a portrait of the chinese hero emblazoned on the front. when opened, a glaring red light eminates from the top of it, and some odd tune screeches from a small hole in the back. it is, by far, the coolest thing i have ever owned. and it's not just because of the intriguing foreign oddness of the contraption. it's because it bellows, "HI. I AM COUNTER-CULTURE. WANT A LIGHT?" far better than i ever could.

8/30/98, 11:04 PM
TBone is:

I'm scared and alone in a new place. The only thing so far that makes the college transition ok is my really fast net connection. I love my Ethernet. Classes start tomorrow.

[email protected]
http://kodiak.billings.k12.mt.us/~tbone

I thought that I was the real T-Bone, dammit.

measuring out my life with coffee spoons

terror tactics for the last portion of undisclosed xenophobia

internally it all divulges in spiralling helix dysfunction

locked up tight

Ivory tower come crashing down over all the residents of Bohemia

slay the beasts that separate the Two

membrane bursting

[email protected]
http://www.velvet.net/~starchy

I am chewing on Milk Duds and trying to work up the courage to call one of those numbers in the payphone project.

[email protected]
http://sorabji.com/livewire/payphones/

fucking hating his job.

at 2:00PM today i was an ass-hair away from gathering up all my shit, walking out of here and going down to washington square park to down some 40's and hang out with the bums. maybe feed a few pigeons. i think i've pretty much hit the wall. the life expectancy of a level II tech is about 6-8 months. according to those figures, i'm already dead. whatever. i need to move on anyway. after all, this job offers less in the way of compensation and clout than my last. there is no future in being downwardly mobile. even if i *do* get to come to work in a t-shirt and jeans everyday.

time to break the powersuit out.

the swine is going back to work with the rest of the pigs.

8/31/98, 7:27 PM
nate is:

hurry in children, your gestapo is getting cold.

[email protected]

Hello from Belton, MO

[email protected]
www.howard.net

wondering what happened to the Nate Spirituality Club?

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