I'm deciding between chocolate birthday cake and leftover pud thai, a grand diversion from the two stacks of freshman essays still to be graded by 10am.

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I'm going to be stuck home all day tomorrow,s/o has to work a 12 hour shift(double time).If anyone wants to, let's hook up and have a chat,Sem,Cat,everyone?Or else I get bored and I've been getting in some kinky chat rooms for a cheap laugh,I need to stop that,at least giving out my phone number.Sick fuckers,and what does this say about me?? Nevermind.

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bored. would someone please go up there and change the fake live webcam picture? or do i have to do it? where is that boy, anyway

looking in the fish bowl.



would you be lonely if you were the only fish in a bowl?

trying not to miss you and failing badly.

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just back from a wonderful weekend in nyc. took my daughter to audition for the nyu music program. it was great to be home again,...and who says you can't go back?!

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Avoiding my homework. I either need to find something to do, or just do my homework.

I need a distraction. Someone distract me.

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http://dirtyredcommie.com

watching a wallaby fossick in the grass outside the study window. He's twitching his ears and looking right at me and I'm waving. This could be the baby I named Semillama, because he seems smaller than usual. I do hope he's eating his greens.

awwww...he's hopped off.

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twiddling around on the
computer instead of
studying for an
imminent Chinese
quiz. Wo xianzai yao he
qi shui. Wo ye yao nu
peng you! I wonder if it
matters that I'm not
particularly haokan. Oh
well...

very cold and reading a russian novel.

my sylvie's tiny. she's still a kitten and very active. she likes to ride around in the car.

Surveying the damage.

The second floor toilet overflowed, demonstrating the wisdom of placing the bathroom above the kitchen, rather than, say, the living room.

Right now, I'm thinking about how to get the butcher block clean, and considering the splash factor.

blushing about the fact cat named a wallaby after me.

flaunting her 1/2 carat diamond bracelet under the noses of those women older than me with husbands who don't have one. including:

some former cohorts of my mother's with daughters the same age who settled for a lot less than I ever would.

some former girlfriends who coveted my 'femme fatal' status and said nasty stuff about me out of jealousy so they would get the guy if they could make him believe I was a lesbian. And the Jerks believed!

the one who pulled a few tricks to get this guy, who has to keep using tricks to keep him, and he can't stop looking at me anyway.

the ones who didn't travel to Europe and the carribean, or spend all of their money on themselves, and came and went as they pleased, who didn't buy themselves great clothes and jewelry when they could have and now resent me because if they could do it again, they'd live like I do instead of resenting me for living like they can't.

I'm not as bad as I sound.

I'm caring, kind and loyal and making the most of the single life.

flaunting her 1/2 carat diamond bracelet under the noses of those women older than me with husbands who don't have one. including:

some former cohorts of my mother's with daughters the same age who settled for a lot less than I ever would.

some former girlfriends who coveted my 'femme fatal' status and said nasty stuff about me out of jealousy so they would get the guy if they could make him believe I was a lesbian. And the Jerks believed!

the one who pulled a few tricks to get this guy, who has to keep using tricks to keep him, and he can't stop looking at me anyway.

the ones who didn't travel to Europe and the carribean, or spend all of their money on themselves, and came and went as they pleased, who didn't buy themselves great clothes and jewelry when they could have and now resent me because if they could do it again, they'd live like I do instead of resenting me for living like they can't.

I'm not as bad as I sound.

I'm caring, kind and loyal and making the most of the single life.

A half a carat,a bracelet,Sylly,don't get too excited.A half a carat isn't that much,espeacially in a bracelet.I'd like to see the wife's jewels.You broke down did'nt you? Oh,who am I too talk,been there,done that,you'll be sorry,he won't.

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you settled for a married man, sylly. i'm not so sure that speaks well of you. jewelry doesn't prove anything.

Never settled for a married man Agatha, was offered, turned him down flat. Despite his pleadings I never gave in and he's finally stopped calling me so I walk with my head held high.

No J, I didn't break down. Hey 1/2 carats sparkle real pretty too! I'll be back for the one carat and pay for it with my own hard earned cash. Even if Mr. Single and Right shows up next week and could never afford it, if I want it, I'll still have it, 'cause I think I deserve it and anything else my littl ol heart desires, even if I have to do it myself.

Sorry Sylly,good girl,I saw a recipe about beet jam and thought of you.It's from the Alice's Resturant cook book it's her Grandmother's Beet Jam.4 pounds of beets, 3pounds of sugar,3lemons(juice and grated rind)2ounces of ginger root,1/2 pound of walnuts or almonds.Wash and peel beets.Put them through a meat grinder or grate them.Barely cover them with water and cook them slowly until they are tender.Add the sugar,the ginger((cut up fine),the lemon juice and lemon rind.Cook until thick and clear(at least an hour)Add the chopped nuts.I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed,I'm going to go spank myself.

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you turned him down and he gave you diamonds anyhow? that's far better than the first scenario. good for you.

So that everybody's clear on this.

I BOUGHT THE BRACELET MYSELF!

I'll send anyone who requests it a copy of my next Mastercard statement.

Sir Itchy Britches did try his best, but believe me gang, if a man were going to ply me with jewelry you'd better believe he ain't gettin' my goodies for anything less than a month's salary.

Men take note, we like BIG diamonds.

Remember, Rhett told Scarlett she could have the most vulgar diamond in all Atlanta.

J, your're forgiven sweetie. And a 1/2 carat bracelet still sticks it where it hurts to your ex-girlfriends, female enemies, etc.

Right Sylly,I have always wanted a pair of 1 carat diamond earrings,my husband promised he'd get me some on our 25th anniversery.I went to 2 different jewlery stores to try some on,and both salesman told me my ears are too small for a 1 carat and that 1/2 would look better.I didn't say it,but I thought "fuck you".Your right about making people jealous,I know Shaunna the bitch is jealous of me,I can't stand her,so I'm glad.

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even better. i take it all back, although you ought spend your time worrying about things other than what a bunch of catty dames think of you.

as for what i'm doing, up until about two minutes ago i was tearing paper into 3.5x9inch pages.

considering the wonderful reproducing piano i heard a couple of weeks ago (the banner at the entrance to the site reminded me). it's almost frightening to hear (and watch) rachmaninoff himself playing his own music. even better is playing a role made by gershwin. it's amazing how deftly he negotiated the keyboard. the piano/organ role was also the first multi-track recorder. many roles were "overdubbed" by simply going back and adding more parts. those are freaky to watch when played. anybody else out there know or care about this stuff??

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telling Sem he looks cute when he blushes.

The Wallaby Naming Story - I'd been chatting to Sem and Isolde on Yahoo. It kept crashing so I joked that it must be roos chewing on the lines. Later when I went outside, a mother wallaby and a little joey were just sitting there, both looking at me like they'd been up to no good. I couldn't stop laughing at the coincidence and nicknamed them Isolde and Semillama, for my mates down the roo-chewed wires. Must try and snap a pic of the AussieSem.

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wanting to get to know cat better. i have a fascination with australia and new zealand although i've never been there. i think it's the most wonderful place in the world. if i could find a job there i would move tomorrow. if that's crazy, then i'm guilty.

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being upbeat, though its hard because i didn't have breakfast

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I saw the movie Wonderwall last week. It was a mod film originally shot in 1969.

Soundtrack by George Harrison.

Sometimes thinking about the girl I met. She replied to my email but it's hard and awkward to have a conversation like this under email.

And I had weird Fred Meyer deli food for lunch. Need more water!

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http://skylab.org/~ryan/?sora

Thanking my lucky stars.

I was tossing and turning, and listening to the radio, and I though I smelled something downstairs. After ignoring it for a while. I went down to find a pot of nasty leftovers on the stove, and my housemate passed out on the couch.

If I hadn't gone down to look, I might not have had a house in the morning.

listening to the hour of slack and contemplating more web searching for references.

I also need to send in an expense report for my trip to the conference last weekend, and a ton of other stuff.

I am also waiting for the snow to arrive tonight.

back from jury summons. thankful I won't be on the panel to decide if another young black male's future ends in prison or back on the street where it's only a matter of time.

1st degree murder, guns,gangs,drugs. nice looking kid, 20's, looks like he should be bagging groceries at Safeway and going to nightschool instead of sitting in a courtroom where a jury not made up of his peers will judge his innocence or guilt. didn't sound good at all.

he had on a suit that would've looked nice for job interviews instead of court.

prison? or recidivism? some choice. same end.

musing on sylly's perspective of the defendant.

Extremely disillusioned and disappointed with life, humanity, people, etc.

Why is it all so cliche and stupid? And why is my reaction in itself so cliche and stupid?

Deth ph0r3v3r!

(actually, no.)

is sex really good? because i hear all the time that it's nowhere near what it's cracked up to be, yet at the same time, i hear the opposite.

whatever. i can have waaaay more fun than that doing something worthwhile.

like reading.

goddamnit!

speaking of which....

pffffft.

go screw.

I forgot to mention it at the time,but when PBS did that special on Blinko glass,that was made in that bum-fuck town I lived in when my dad died.Milton W.Virginia,I think it was the interbreeding capital of America,nice glass though.

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5 hours into an
increasingly all-night
Photoshop rendering
project. I think i'm going
blind.

kill me now


did i say Photoshop?
'cause i meant
Illustrator.

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witnessing the slow death of WAYD

A nation ruled by a few population centers is a dangerous precedent since these centers are utterly dependent on the produce of the rural countryside to survive. It is because of the rural countryside that these centers can exist at all. The rural areas do not need big cities to thrive.

fuzzing out. it is quiet here. just the tap of the keys and the whoosh of the hvac system and the grind of my computer fan, which is noisy for a computer but I don't hear it anymore through the fog... Oh, a door just closed. i must arise now, and go, but i'm just too darned tired to think about it.

i asked kevin today to email me photos. they're for the project. I didn't tell him that but just assumed he would know.

i haven't seen him in nine months. those photos, they hurt in a good way. in a gut wrenching longing way. i was stricken; i had forgotten just how beautiful he is.

the black and white lomo of course was especially nice. it capture him just right. his dark moods, humor, his depth, his brilliant complexity.

i've figured out the reason why I can't have him. or why he won't have me. it's something i've known all along, and it's this. he's too good for me.

he's beyond me.

and that, essentially, is why i wish he would let there be more between us. i want him to teach me things and i want to show him how to have fun.


he said to me today on the phone, "isn't funny how you and i have to manufacture awkwardness?"


i would never throw myself at him. i wouldn't be hanging around or putting in the time just in hope that there might be more someday. and it's not a point of pride, but rather what we have now is good. it's great. it's enough, because it has to be. it's beautiful and perfect the way it is.



then there are the times i wish i had never met him. when i flip the switch off to protect myself and pretend i don't care and hurt him.


i see in him so much of the me that i wish was brave enough to show. he's so far ahead of me. but more importantly, i see in him more than the photos could reveal, even in the shadows. more than kissing in the Jeep in the rain, more than the laughter and the friendship. more than the easy understanding.

but the lights and the look on his face in that photo. i have to leave for my date now, and i don't know why i'm crying.

giving shit away.

one of my clients sent me an invitation to a billy graham foundation benefit that i won't be able to attend.

"evening of soul"

James Brown (damn!)
sound tribe sector 9
ludichris

friday, december 1st 8PM
warfield theatre
san francisco

cocktails and hors d'oeuvres will be served up with the funk.

whoever wants the tickets can have 'em.

e-mail me.

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sound tribe sector 9? you'll be missing out, man. they are my most recent favorite band, those guys are aliens. i wouldn't miss that show for any reason, except death.

yeah. they'll show up in NYC sooner or later.

anyway, i've already got plans for that weekend. if i even think about changing them, the woman will be walking around with my testicles in a jar.

tickets are still up for grabs.

you want 'em?

is in a snit today.

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sitting in a windowless room looking at still photos of someone reading the abortion..

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1. Being lazy and putting off drying my hair and getting dressed

2. Preparing to go shopping and buy some black pants and a couple of sweaters

3. Wondering why I'm So Fucking Stupid

4. Getting hungry

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waiting patiently for my China red to come home....my Hangzhou honey, my Hong Kong hottie....

waiting for her to come home, thinking about turkey day....wondering when and where we will be having our meal. Looking forward to friends, wine, and collective cooking.....pot luck....i know talented people in the kitchen. looking forward to the "dinner party".

wanting to go back to bed, working off too little sleep. xfile reruns hook me again.

regretting

angry at my cameras and their failures recently. thinking of just taking hte credit card out, droping a grand plus on a new camera and calling it a day. i love my vintage shit, but i need reliability. Thinking of Leica and Nikon. Actually trying to put Leica out of my mind due the enormous expense.The Hasseblad of 35mm cameras, even used they run over 2k. Thinking of settling on a nikon.....the workhorse, the leader in 35mm professional cams.....canon and others don't cut it.

damn