going to bed, or so i'm trying to convince myself. i have to work in five hours. i should get a little sleep. damn me.

"ChILLin on BaInBrIdGe, RePrEsEnTiNg PeRrY & tHe OvAl wItH ThuGs LIke Benny Blanco, Gez, Faze, Kris (stage), hec, Kyle, Kraig, and the Yung Wun who is R.I.P. out in Jersey Harry keep your head up your past was dim but the future will be brighter i promise "

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back home.

cool and damp here. Not supposed to get above 57 today.

playing tomorrow afternoon a tthe reggae festival. I may go out this afternoon for a while, but need to come back in for dinner with my mom. Looking forward to just relaxing the rest of the time, with a little of the Keith Green mojo, mayhaps...

trying to run away from america.

thinking how irritating it is that sem is in 57 degree weather when it is supposed to be twice that here.

i want to run away too, it doesn't have to be away from america though. it merely has to be away from here.

Stripping down for the weekend.

Blindswine: I would like to suggest Cabo Pulmo as a getaway. 1 bar, 1 taco stand, 1 coral reef, 2 dive shops, 1 dirt road in, 1 dirt road out.

excited.

I get to go to Colorado and I've never been there. It's going to be beautiful and I can't wait. Now I'm inspired to go through my Missouri and NYC pics and try to come up with a creative way of displaying them in my scrapbook before there are too many to deal with. Looking at them makes me wanna go back. Especially Missouri. Gawd I loved that place.

http://members.tripod.com/~X_kerri_X/2index.html

missouri? what the hell?

my least favorite states (besides the one in which i currently reside)

1. texas
2. oklahoma
3. missouri
4. ohio

maybe it's the company you keep when you're there? Or the inability to see the beauty in things?

I spent time with someone near and dear to my heart, and I got to see the countryside which was awesome.

(Yes, I also love Missouri because of someone I love
very much who lives there. Know I have to visit the Ozarks....
one of the places I want to go - - out of a very short list.
I will always love Missouri because of this person.)

listening to WFMU (can hear it in the rural reaches
of the Catskills now since they've put a transmitter
on Cape Hope.) Real good show playing the Bee Gees:
"Run to Me" [whenever your lonely] 1972
played Culture Shock. [haitian japeanese group]
Marianne Anderson 2 spirituals
interesting version of "When a dream came, I held
my breath with my eyes closed." "When the change came and
you got a chance to see through me" "You can
tell my dream is real" Can't recall name of song though.

Enjoying the sundown to my back out the window through
the trees. There is a faint buzz or trilling or humming/
whizzing of some sort of insects. (yes, i investigated
and there are a few cricket songs. The other sound might
be FROGS. So much water out here lately. There's more
than one type going on.)

Mum is busying herself folding a paper in the armchair
in front of me in front of the fireplace.

My dogs are sprawled around asleep (or pretending)
near my feet.

It's cool. (temp wise) Amd so happy and relieved to be here.
Shrubs in field out front are loaded with blueberries. Got a box
of organic produce from my farm share. It's autumn-like
already, tomatoes are ripening, squashes and blackberries.
The berries are very dark. Peak time. There are dark colors
on the floor of the woodland. We will have early Autumn I would say
becasue of the coolness and the look of things. 3 weeks
left of summer though.

Out the window I see the Yellow ragweed stuff. Sky is
beautiful azure blue. Also almost purple lower in the sky.
Oranges and yellow are even showng on some of the trees.

I like it that my gaze can travel so far compared to
how it travels in my little studio in the city. What
a fucking relief. Mum needs some more chocolate. OK.
hot chocolate then. kettle on.

just came inside. saw my kitties out the window.
(it's been a month since i was here) and went out to
say hello. they were sitting under a little cherry tree
on a mound. The crazy one started to wrestle a rock.
The long haired black one, Ziggy, came over to say ,"hello."
They can't come in right now. My dogs are German Shepards
and like to chase cats.

Danced around for my mother in front of her chair and made her
smile (mother's got senile dementia) She's like a little
girl. Got her dressed in shorts and a pink top. White hair all fuzzy.


It's amazng to imagine at this moment that some people are suffering.
Suicides anger me. What a fucking waste. When I suffered
I could never imagine happiness. It almost works vis versa as well.
One displaces the other. So there is an inertia to it.
A mood will displace another. , my health reestablised itself
how? why? I don't know. not really.

The african violets on the table are so intense in
the late afternoon light. I think colors change with
the position of the sun. (amount of refraction through
different amounts of atmosphere?) I wish I could explain the color.
It's changed now since the sun has gone down further.
But just for a moment it was irredescent. JUmped out at you.
And velvetly.

I have withnessed so many sunsets from this seat.
This is the happiest, i must say. Sometimes everytime
I will eat something that is very good I will think (and say)
"This is the best I have ever had" This is the first
time though I have felt this with a Sunset. Maybe it
will happen more. sometimes I think the
same about love. This *has* to be the best ever. And each
*has* gotton better. (But hey, that's easy to do when you start
in the pits of Hell)

When I was sick I would often feel each day, "Today I woke
up for the first time." I had a constant sensation of awakening
for the first time. Every day. Every day was like a first day.

I am so gratful to be here mostly by myself with Mum. Very
little aggravation compared to what I have been through.
And to have her happy. Happy beautiful blue eyes.

One thing about sunsets, so effervescent. I had to train
myself to appreciate them. It's all about timing.

good wishes to everyone for a happy night.

Playing "HIgh Tide" . Fuck, sections of the sky are turning violet.
I am going to sleep so well tonight, it is sickening.

Sun's down darling.s

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checking out this corner of cyberville...about to make hot tea (despite it being 105 degrees outside) and go do the pile of dishes in my stinkin' sink...i helped a friend find an apartment, today..makes me thank GOD i don't have to apartment search..then we found a bad ass place, cheaper than mine with hard woods and now i wish i had a new place too..wahh..but..i may like this place more if i wasn't such a disgusting slob..time to go be ms. housekeeper..

I tried to check Heather into a detox unit yesterday,she's all fucked up,skin and bones,and seeing things.She is here again and fucked up,I'm afraid of her,her dad is in denial.

If Heather is under the age of 18 and is hurting herself, there is legally something you can do. If she's over 18, there aint shit you can really do about it until she's ready to help herself. Sad, but true. My Mom is going through the same thing with my 17 year old brother.
Kim is in the shower and we're getting ready for the day. We have about 20 people coming over for a Labor Day cook out. Everything looks good. Even got floating candles to put in the pool tonight. Hubby has finally decided to make some friends for the first time in the 13 years we've been together so I'm anxious to meet them. Hopefully his friends and my friends wont clash to much. It should be interesting....

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Looking forward to having another Labor Day party next year. Everyone had such a good time.
Decided a few weeks ago that I finally wanted to get a G.E.D. So I went to this bullshit class that was supposed to get me ready for the big test. Ended up failing the fuckin' PRE-test twice. Once wasnt enough I guess. Now I have to learn all these things that I didnt have to learn in high school like algebra and geomatry (cant even spell that one) and ratios and proportions. I'm sure all that shit will come in super fuckin'useful in the future. Yeah I know, I'll be glad I did learn all that crap some day.

I'm grumpy so it's off to bed.

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I did it Dani,you can too,it was alot easier than school,they wanted me to do good,and I did.You go.

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relaxing after a pretty hectic weekend.

Friday I wen tinto school and visited my old department. I ran into a couple grad students I know and we went out drinking. Ended up seeing the local Jazz-jam -bebop band play, and ran into a lot of folks I hadn't seen in a while. My alma Mater here has just built a new perfroming arts center and they are bringing in some big names for the first season. Two in particular I really want to see are the Upright Citizens Brigade and Douglas Adams.

Saturaday I went out to Reggae on the Rez, which takes place annually on the Keewenaw Bay Indian Reservation. I got there about 10, woke the people up I was playing with. We wandered over to a friend's campsiet, got high with a couple rastas, then went to wake up the guitar player, who unleashed a string of invective at us for trying to get her to stir. So we threw rocks and sticks at her tent until we got bored.

The band I played with was teh first act, and we got goign about an hour and a half late. I played the last 4 tunes with them. We didn't have time to practice together before hand, so I just winged it. My brother told me afterwards that he thought it was clear that I was teh only one who had a good clue about how to play reggae music. The band normally plays alternative/punk based music.

Saw the JAh Kings from Kalamazoo Michigan play next. A very very tight group of players, very uplifting and soulful.
Then Ras Kente and the Take No Prisoners Posse played for about 2-3 hours! Those guys are like the reggae Phish, they just don't know when to quit.
Next was Caspar Loma-Da-Wa from Hopiland, Arizona, with Root Awakening, from CA. Caspar is a Hopi and sings rub-a-dub stylee, while Root Awakening backed him up. I was very impressed by the energy these guys pumped out.
Last was my favorite band, Cry On Cue. They now feature a DJ, Amani Smith, who really has the skills. All you people out on the West Coast need to go see this band. They played for an hour and a half, while it rained lightly on the audience. Everyone was dancing and singing and having a good time.
I was so beat afer taht, I thought I would sleep like a rock, but then the thunderstorm rolled in for about an hour, very loud, rolling thunder and somewhat heavy rain. I woke up about 9am, and just decided to take right off.

Last night I went to see Cry on Cue play the local coffee bar. The place was packed almost to capacity.Just an amazing show. Amani does this great mix to one of the songs, which has this funky rolling rhythm to it. He mixes in the vocal track to "Bring The Noise" by PE, and it fits so perfectly. It sounds way better with the reggae music than any other version I've heard. Caspar from Hopiland came up and did his thing as well. I hung out with the band later and got to meet the guys from Root Awakening. In all, it was a very good weekend, and I am glad I took an extra day off to recover!

feeling good on heavy
food

sem!
email me!
mavis!

every window in this place is open. it's blowing like crazy. getting cold. it's too early in the year 2000, but i can hardly wait for winter to get here again.

listening to glenn gould play his arrangement of wagner's dawn and siegfried's rhine journey.

broncos and rams are tied in the 1st quarter. dennis miller sounds like such an outsider, like a typical corner pub drunk. nothing wrong with that. playing football looks a lot harder than what i do for a living. so does handling nuclear waste. handling nuclear waste looks like a very demanding job.

i think that the presidential candidates should promise to abolish cheerleaders from all american sporting events. i would vote for whichever candidate promises to do that.

i like the way the wind blows through this place. it almost makes me feel like something might happen in my life.

http://www.wsbj.com/

in a fucking rage.

i feel like a doormat. i've been taken for granted.

10:45 pm, he waltzes in. "doing anything tonight?"

last time i saw him it was saturday and we were making out. he told me he'd call. isn't that what the phone's about?

i feel hurt.

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saturday, as in two days ago? or, saturday, as in a week and two days ago?

two days.

when someone tells me they'll call me, i expect they will. he did the same thing after thursday.

we only got together on saturday b/c brian and harmony planned a little group thing at shari's.

somehow i'm not seeing much communication here...

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http://hemetite.diaryland.com

two days is not a long time for someone not to call. maybe you are being unrealistic. did he say he would call the next day, or did he just say he would call you soon?

Well.

And now that it's started raining in Portland, it's gonna be really sad. More Shari's milkshakes and mushroom burgers for you, Pez.

Personally I am thrilled that I actually got asked point blank if I was single by a person I had a crush on for four months earlier this year. But this might mean trouble. I don't want to have a broken heart.

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http://skylab.org/~ryan/www/?sorabji

yeah, when it started raining saturday i thought i was going to cry.....

Listening to the new Cry on Cue album. I need to go see if Bernie has put up any sound files from it up onhis site, so y'all can listen. It's www.spinoutrecords.com if you want to see for yourself.

it's a departure from the reggae vibes, a lot more smooth soul/R+B/hip-hop, with the reaggae just floating about in the mix. It's totally sex music.

I have an extra copy of the disc, and am debating whether to send it in to CMJ New Music Monthly, or maybe see if Swine wants it. I think he would really dig this.

Although I should just urge everyone to go to the above site and order copies, I am willing to make a mix of tunes from all the Cry on Cue albums for anyone interested.

If you live on the West Dcoast,you can pop on down to Santa Monica to catch one of their shows.

a little nervous.

just paid a large amount of cash for a used car from a nice local filipino boy, friend of a friend, who is moving to the mainland to go to school. he took really good care of it. i paid half the bluebook value and it runs like a top. bitchin kickin ass whoopin stereo too.

but still, when you hand over that kind of money, it nags at you. you don't want it to be a mistake.

Just returned from a fishing trip in NV. Friends cought rainbows over 2 feet. I cought a buzz and a duck.

nothing.

spent two and a half hours wandering around clackamas while my sister and her friend were shopping.

some random guy (short) asked me if he could buy me a drink sometime.

bought the cd by caviar. tangerine speedo, oh yeah.

tried to call jon. he's out.

i feel used.

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it was the second time he said he'd call that he didn't. and he said he'd call the next day. both times.

maybe i worry too much. but i do have responsibilities. even if he doesn't.

he told me he wanted someone to protect, someone to care for. about the most i've seen about that is that he calls me "angel" and tells me that i'm perfect. tells me that i'm incapible of doing bad things.

i'd rather be a mischievous pixie.

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I'm an angel too. It's not so bad. People's low expectations can be a little annoying sometimes, but every now and then you get to blow somebody away and feel electric.

i don't mind the names and words at all, but i don't like his actions.

i can't fucking read him. he doesn't call when he says he will, shows up the moment before he wants to do something with no advance notice, and all he wants to do is make out.

besides, the last guy i dated called me an angel.

are there no decent guys anymore?

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Wondering where PyjamaBoy is. Hoping he's well.

And thinking abt my Bklyn homegirl/whom I shd be feeling badly abt/but strangely/I do not. We're sort of playing "I won't call you until you call me" so I haven't haven't spoken to her in 2 mos. But I'm not feeling the least bit guily abt not sitting thru yet another 3-hr. conversation abt her hellacious housemate. Who shd be evicted by now.

I warned her countless times not to let a stranger of the male persuasion share her living space.

Hoping Arlington (?) TX isn't enduring the same awful heatwave that Dallas & Houston are going thru. My L.I. homegirl Cheryl & her familia moved to TX in June. I think they're in Arlington. I need to call her. But I do know for a fact that they have a.c.

It amazes me that anyplace in the continental U.S. cd be hotter than fucking FL in Sept.

But when you spend 8 hrs. a day on the phone/the last thing you wanna do is talk on the phone once you finally get home. I wish I cd buy all my friends computers/so I wdn't have to call them unless it was critical.

Saying Hi to His Markness & hoping he's well.

It's good to be back in Sorabjiland.

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Dani baby, go get your GED! Take the dumb pre-test again til you nail it and get your HS diploma. From there you'll have a lot more choices, you can continue your education further or train for something. I have selective amnesia regarding the misery that was high school, (I think they only graduated me to be rid of me.) Listen to J and go get it. You can do it no doubt.

your ged is your friend.

except when you have puritan-esque parents like mine, of course. they'd've skinned me alive if i'd dropped out and gotten my ged instead.

i should get out my flute one of these days...

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about to go into the garden. maybe i'll go to work later.

i did not quit my job yesterday, but i almost did several times before 11 a.m.

dealing with the people in HR is enough to send me back on medical leave. i should sue them for mental anguish and suffering. fuckin idiots.

happy i don't have to work until 6 pm tomorrow.

that way i can be up all night doing poetry.

i know some people (ok, jon) will be glad that i used my anger on that instead of them.

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fuck this Jon ass, Pez. You are really coming off like a fool, to be blunt. Drop him like a sack of dead fish and move on. If he respected you he wouldn't jerk you around, and any guy who doesn't respect you is not worth your time ok? There are plenty of men for you out there, so stop wasting time with this loser.

i called him.

he knew i was angry, but he couldn't figure out why.

apparently he'd been calling, but after i'd gone to work.

he's new to relationships. he's never even kissed a girl before me.

i told him that i have a hard time saying no, and that i'd rather be slow and have a good time.

and maybe talk a little more.

i'm cutting him a little slack. it is partly my fault.

i told him that i don't feel like making out for a while. i don't want to go out every night.

i do have other things in my life.

sure, i'll go out with him sometimes. but i'm not going to do any making out because i hardly know him.

sure, we like the same music and stuff, but that doesn't mean that i trust him.

and if i can't trust myself to say no, then i shouldn't do much.

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Beleive it or not, not the smartest person around. I hear what your sayin' J & Syll....I can do it but not as fast as I had hoped. I mean I can read and write and spell (most of the time) and I can balance the check book and shit but as far as all that algebra and geometry and the other things that I never had to learn and probably wont ever use, I totally suck. So now I gotta keep going to this awful class every day with this snippy bitch as an instructor. I dont need or wanna get this fuckin' GED for any special reason, I just thought it was time I did. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.
Jimbabe is fine. We e-mail each other. He dont like to come to this place anymore. Someone always has something shitty to say to him. But, like I told him, thats to be expected here.
Went out tonight and got Kim a new bedroom set. Pretty bed with porcelin heart shaped knobs all along the headboard and footboard. Matching dressers and mirror. Maybe now she'll keep out of my bed every night. She kills me. Elbows and kicks me and pulls my hair every night while we're sleeping. Why do I have the feeling that I'll be sneaking in her bed with her each night now? Maybe because after having her sleep with me for the last 9 1/2 years, I'll miss her.

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finally done with my day. helped my sister with her algebra 2/triginomitry homework (factoring, she didn't know how, and it's never been my favorite).

i'm going to write out some notes for her later.

then i'll use my time for my poetry. and then for my flute. i miss my music, and i feel so bad, not even taking one music class!

i wish i could continue everything i wanted to...

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oh Pez.

sigh.

Getting drunk some guy that I don't like all that much. It's been a slow year much less a bad day. Maybe I'll purrrr later.

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enlightened. i've been grappling with my annoyance for pez for quite some time. i've realized its source.

when i first began college i was exactly like she is, or at least as she appears through her posts. i didn't like myself much then, i still cringe at the need to have a boy in my life regardless of how uneasy i was. her ramble was at one time my own.

i hope for her sake that we aren't as similiar as i think.

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just finished glueing back together half of a small dish.

Thinking it's sad that Jimbabe doesn't like to come here anymore. I don't recall anyone really being all that nasty to him though. For the most part, I thought he was more than well-liked around these parts.

reading "where the sidewalk ends". both. the book and the poem.

i have work at four. :gag:

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Way, Way busy. Lots to do. I need to make boxes, write apologies, thank-you's, answer email, sign up for some school debit-thingy, study Japanese, (and know all the Hiragana characters by tonight), pay bills, send bills, deposit checks, read chapters, cover my ass from my little vacation from work, and read a week's worth of posts.

sayin' "hey and howdy" to RadicalCon! Long time no see, RC! How in the hell you been? Still sein the chef?

thankin' dani for filling folks in re: my absence, but I'm not away cause of some bigotted homophobic snot-nosed teenager. just real busy with my life and job. :)

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"I'm not away cause of some bigotted homophobic snot-nosed teenager."

hmm? is that supposed to be me?

got home from work and found an ironing board on my bed.

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baking a creamcheese pound cake with chocolate chunks.


tomorrow i'm making creamcheese cookies with apricot filling.


on november 4th i'll be taking the American Council on Exercise (ACE) exam to become a certified personal trainer. i bought a book on psychology for health fitness professionals which i am already half way through, a book on exercise nutrition, and The E Myth Revisited.

i'm taking notes.

i'm writing. putting together the pieces of the puzzle. compiling pages and pages of text about the experience of fat and weight loss.

fuck working on the internet for a living. it's completely overrated. i'm sick and tired of living in a flourescent lit box and staring into a computer monitor 8-10 hours a day. no more. no fucking more.

oooh, there goes the buzzer on the cake!

"Is that supposed to be me?"

Why, are you a snotty-nosed racist teen?

Or are you Satan?

"Why, are you a snotty-nosed racist teen?"

racist, no. snotty-nosed, only when my contacts are bad.

sorry about the mistaken id.

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http://www.ita.sel.sony.com/jump/musicclip/start.html


*drooool....*

rubbing vaseline on my schnozz, cuz it's all red and sore from snotting into tissues for the past week. fuck pollen.

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www.torturechamber.com/hippyflip

frantically tracking everything (32 boxes) that i international priotity mailed and fed exed last week----so far 10 items are missing!

also, writing my job manual and wasting time...

home from work.

no good mail.

neck is sore.

I have stuff I oughta do, but I think I'm just gonna rad comic books instead.

raising an eyebrow.

going to "rad" comic books, eh? how do you do that?

i may have aquired a boyfriend over the internet.

unfortunately, he's a person that i was having a posting war with a few months ago...

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